Somewhere along the line being the ‘cool girl’ became desirable. You know the one; super chilled, go with the flow and they take everything in their stride. Life is easy for them. Girls want to be them; guys want to date them – that whole idea. Well today I’m in a right mood to call bullshit on why being the cool girl actually sucks and why life shouldn’t always have to be peachy.
Jumpsuit – Zara (similar here)
Bag – Zara (similar here)
Boots – Jo Mercer (similar here & here)
Sunglasses – ASOS
Earrings – Luv Aj
So where did this all begin? To sound kind of crazy I was listening to the start of Balenciaga Challenge by 6lack at work where the woman is talking. I was thinking “YEAH! How satisfying would it be to yell this at someone?” because you know what, she called it like it is. Or as my friend put it “she’s ruthless”. I feel like I’ve run my life in the same circles for the past 5 years and ended up in the same scenarios – the only difference is the people involved. Especially in my relationships. When I say relationships I meant ‘things’ (if you don’t know, you can catch up on this here). This is all because I’ve defaulted to being ‘the cool girl’ that lets everything slide.
I’m not saying cool girl as in I’ve tried to be something I’m not. By nature, I’m a pretty relaxed person. I’m particularly bad at confrontation and telling people “that’s actually f*cked up” because it’s much easier to walk away. I’ve trained myself to stay cool, calm and collected because you don’t want to look like that “moody” girl from high school. Oh, the lovely scars that high school leaves us with. And by relaxed I seriously mean it. I think the compliment I get most often is that I’m so chilled. I love it but also, completely hate it and this is why.
People forget that you have feelings.
But how would they know, you don’t show any – right? I kid you not, this happens to me all the time. Just because I don’t wear my heart of my sleeve or yell at people, they think everything in life comes easy. I actually spoke to one of my best friend’s a while back and he said “it’s just because you walk through life so nonchalant that people can say those things to you” and he’s so right. People love to push when they don’t think you’ll break.
So back to running in circles – today I found myself in a situation which is all too familiar. People joking around in a way that’s not actually mean, but if you get enough people involved in the joke and no one is on your side it gets old REAL quick. And by really quick – I was ready to walk out of the room long before it ended. But being my ‘cool girl nothing gets to me (HA HA HA)’ self, I sat and endured joking back. Instead of hitting exit on that I just carried on as though it didn’t piss me the hell off.
The reason being: I’m so damn scared of confrontation because it makes people uncomfortable.
The situation wasn’t bad, but it brought back some f*cked up memories that I’d rather leave long behind me – instead of poking it with a giant stick. But then people don’t know this, so they push and you carry on enduring, hoping it ends.
See if I was the chick at the start of Balenciaga Challenge I would have called them on it. Or at the very least, not ‘friendly joked’ back which always adds fuel to the fire. I admire people who can call others on their shit, or at the very least not chuck themselves under the bus to keep others comfortable. If you are someone that’s honest but gets called ‘feisty’ from time to time (or worse – there’s always worse) trust me, you’re in a strong position in life. Being able to call it how you see it is a rare thing in our society. That’s the thing about New Zealand’s culture too – we’re so worried about putting people out that we do anything to avoid it. Hofstede’s cultural dimensions theory – university education what up.
In whole different scenario, I’ve become complacent with my love life because it all ends up the same. I run in circles over and over in some weird real life inception. Mostly because I haven’t grown a pair to do anything about it. I swear – 5 years apart and it’s all the same. As Tove Lo put it neatly “we don’t put a label on it, so we can run free” and that’s exactly what happens. Nothing with any meaning because I don’t hold them accountable. Also like this read (which is light and fluffy because we aren’t too deep here) if you’re like me, we worry that if you call them on it they’ll get scared and find what they’re looking for somewhere else. So instead, you play the cool girl and get no where. And do you know who wins in the end? The girl who wasn’t scared to scare them off. Cool girl – 0.
Basically, this is where I’m at today. I’ve realised over the years that I internalise so much that no one really knows what’s going on and they just assume it’s nothing. I don’t think there’s a perfect balance to how you deal with scenarios. I do know though for sure that trying to accommodation everyone’s feelings around you only ends in you suffering. It might be a hard sell, but being quick to react first and think later might actually get you what you vs. taking what you can get. I don’t know, it’s food for thought anyway right?