I’m sure I’ve written about this in the past couple of months, but my move to Auckland was an easy one. I have great friends here, I found a flat the first day I looked and falling into a rhythm at work took no time. “How was it moving back after travelling?” is something I get asked all the time. It was completely painless compared to last year’s move to Sydney. Despite how relaxed the move has been there is one thing that’s taken me until now to get adjusted to.
This is the first time I’ve really intended on staying somewhere for a prolonged period of time. Sydney was a few months, Korea was a few months and the same with Melbourne. Granted, I did actually intend to stay in Sydney for ever but ya know, that’s another story. Anyway – I’d become so comfortable with moving that I didn’t realize how unsettling staying put would be. I literally felt anxious living here when I wasn’t working on something or making plans. Not seeing friends or talking to someone. Ridiculous but true.
Top – Madeworn
Skirt – Realisation Par Naomi Skirt (Similar Here & Here)
Watch – Daniel Wellington
Shoes – Senso Wayne I Heels (Similar Here)
A friend and I were talking about it and it makes sense. You become so used to meeting new people everyday that you don’t feel the pressure of not fitting in. When you travel people talk to you about your trips and where you’ll land next. Nothing heavy. Everything is temporary. You just don’t have that pressure of keeping up with what your friends are doing around you 24/7. Seeing “ANOTHER” one of your friends engaged doesn’t quite have the same effect when you’re eating gelato on a beach in Italy. And you never worry about whether you fit in with your peers because you can just ‘later-days’ them and move to a new city. Travel life = best non-committal life.
Fast forward 2 years, queue running out of money with a craving for stability and here we are: trying to figure out how to adjust to the 9-5. The past three months have been a mix of anxiety, insomnia and me saying yes to anything and everything I could. I would go to work, come home and then in my down time it’s like my mind would go into hyper drive. “Do I fit in with these people?” “What am I working towards” “Is this where I really see myself long-term?” “Why am I spending so much goddamn money on Ubereats?”
And then I just realised “I don’t need to give a fuck” and it made everything better.
Having that epiphany felt like a huge weight lifting. Honestly, one of my biggest worries was what impression others had of me. It wasn’t even fuelled by anything, I would just be all up in my own head and psych myself out. I’d get to the point where I’d become kind of mute just so I wouldn’t say the wrong thing. Then whatever I would say would come out weird anyway after over thinking it. I’m not even quiet, so this just fed into my newly discovered anxiety. Trust me, I’m full of sass, sarcasm and sexual innuendos to last for days. Also the all important dad jokes of course (sorry, not sorry). But then I just thought “you’ve been through too much shit to actually care so much about what people think” and it just clicked. Since when do I care?
I think moving back to Auckland brought me back to reality I wasn’t prepared for. One with expectations and pressures that I hadn’t had to deal with for years. One of my favourite quotes is “If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present” by Lao Tzu. When you take a giant step back and look at what the hell you’re worried it never really matters. Life isn’t meant to be lived according to a timeline. It’s so easy to get caught up in trying to keep up that you forget that you’re in a race of your own.
I’ve now stopped with the overthinking-insanity and I’ve been sleeping soundly. I definitely have a much healthier grasp on my work life, night life balance and I’ve been able to spend time on my own without stressing that “I’M ALONE”. I can even watch a whole episode on Netflix without stopping to start another project. Baby steps, my friends. In retrospect none of it made any sense but I guess it’s just a phase we all will probably go through. Quarter life crisis, welcome to the party.
So here’s to not giving a fuck about things that don’t matter. You’re not ‘meant’ to be fitting in, seeing anyone or doing a damn thing that you don’t want to do. You’re an adult that doesn’t know you’re doing and that’s how it should be. You do you girl, I will be too.
Now, if only I’d given a fuck about ironing this skirt…